


Diary of a Red-Shirt

by pinchthatcurestheitch



Category: Cabin Pressure, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Contains Scenes of Mild Peril, Crossover, Diary/Journal, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-08-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 04:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/757147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinchthatcurestheitch/pseuds/pinchthatcurestheitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur Shappey is delighted to be drafted to the Starship Enterprise. Even so, all may not be as brilliant as it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Star date: Tuesday

Arthur's Log

Star date: Tuesday

Hi mum.

Space is BRILLIANT!

It's a lot like when I used to sit in the shed and pretend there was space outside, but there wasn't. But now there is! Except in my room, which doesn't have a window. So it's actually exactly like the shed. But in SPACE!

I met the skip today, but then I remembered I wasn't supposed to call him skip, and then I got my words a bit mixed up, so I called him "Captain Skippy". I don't think he liked that. 

Then I got to meet Steve. He's in charge of jobs. He says they get a lot of turnover. I don't know what that means. Tomorrow I get to start in the kitchens, which is brilliant, because I always wanted to be a chef!

I made a friend. His name is Mark and he works in accounts. He's really funny too. He keeps making jokes about people that go away and don't come back. I didn't get it, but I'm sure it's really funny. He lives in the corridor above mine, and one to the left. I got really lost when I went to visit him, because they don't put numbers on any of the corridors, or any of the doors. Mark calls it a "rabbit hutch", but I haven't met any of the rabbits yet. They must be hiding.

Someone got to go on an away mission to a giant bug planet today. I'm so jealous. I love bugs. Except the nasty ones.

Anyway. Night night.


	2. Wednesday

Arthur’s Log

Star date: Wednesday

Space: Brilliant.

Hi mum! Again.

Today was really exciting. We all got to meet Mr Spock. He’s so brilliant. He knows everything. Really, really, everything. I think he really liked me too. He called me “obstinate”. I think that’s good.

He knows all about polar bears too. Did you know there’s only one planet with polar bears? And it’s EARTH? How lucky is that?! He said it was because they hadn’t invented space-travel, and I knew he was right, because how would they even get their paws in the little switches you have to pull? I asked more questions than anyone else today. He said if I have any more questions I “should hesitate to ask”. I bet we’re going to be friends.

I got to see the kitchen next. It’s just like the kitchens at home, except bigger, and with lots more people to help. I was counting the number of beans in everyone’s dish, to make sure they all got the same number, and I was so helpful I got to work on a dish of my very own! I chose pudding, because pudding is always the best one. I decided to make muffins, because we always make them at home, and you said I was nearly ready to make them by myself. Well, I am in space, and I am a man now, so I made the muffins myself. It was really difficult because all the ovens were full, but I found this strange tube-shaped oven that got it done in half the time!

I hope Skip likes the muffins. I really want to go on an away mission. The guy who went yesterday had such a great time he hasn’t even come back yet! I’ve always wanted to ride a blue-bottle.

Night night.


	3. Thursday

Arthur’s Log

Star date: Thursday

 

Hi mum.

Space is still brilliant, but there’s a small chance I may have poisoned the Skip. I mean, the doctor said everyone’s going to be fine, and they have great cures for radiation poisoning now, so it’s not that bad. The doctor even said I was being really helpful, because they’d never thought about putting a warning on the power tubes before! It’s been two days, and I’ve already helped everyone.

Mr Spock talked to me again. He’s so friendly. He said something I didn’t really understand, so I wrote it down for later. He said “these actions are either evidence of complete ineptitude or malevolence of sociopathic proportions”. I said thank you, so he knew I understood. He’s so clever.

I asked him about something that’s been bugging me. I asked him why we can’t have more windows, because if we did I’d be able to tell when it was daytime and when it was night-time. He didn’t tell me the answer. I think that’s because he wants me to work it out for myself. I really hope I don’t let him down.

I must have done something right, because Mark says if I keep on like this I’ll get to go on an away mission really soon! I’ve decided, tomorrow I’m going to be even more helpful.

Night night.


	4. Friday

Arthur’s Log

Star date: Friday

Hi mum. Everything’s fine. I went to say sorry to the skip, and he was really nice about everything. Steve, who’s in charge of jobs, said I could try doing the teas and coffees, because he thinks I’d be really good at that. The chaps in the kitchen, well, the ones who aren’t in sickbay, said I could start right away!

The guy who went to the bug planet hasn’t come back yet, and apparently the bugs weren’t friendly ones. They were more like the bugs who eat other bugs, and don’t let you fly on their backs or anything. At least that’s what Mark says. I’m sure he’ll change his mind soon, though. I heard some of the crew chatting, and Mark’s getting to go on the next away mission! I asked them, but they said I wasn’t allowed to spoil the surprise. He’s so lucky. Apparently there’s a whole planet full of these really sick blue monkeys. I didn’t realise he was an accountant AND an expert in sick monkeys. He must have studied for ages!

I love monkeys. I bet they’re really funny when they sneeze, just like those pandas you showed me once. They were brilliant.

Night night mum. I wish you were here. But obviously inside the spaceship, because you can’t breathe space. Although, if anyone could, it would be you.


	5. Saturday

Star date: Saturday

Hi mum. I miss you.

I think I might have ruined the surprise for Mark. No wonder he got so upset. I feel really bad about it, but I don’t know how to make him feel better. He says he doesn’t want to eat any of my muffins ever. I think I should throw him a party. That might cheer him up! I’ll have to ask someone about that.

I got really lost in the corridors today, and I met a nice lady who wasn’t wearing very much. She asked me where the skip was, but I never know. There’s so many people here. Some people get these little button things to talk to each other, but Steve says I can’t get one until Mr Spock approves it, and he said that wasn’t likely to happen. I don’t know why. I think it would be really useful, because I have so many questions to ask him, like; if the sun’s so hot, how come space is cold? Because space is full of suns, and the earth only has one, so you’d think space would be hot.

Teas and coffees today went brilliant. Mr Spock doesn’t drink tea or coffee, but the skip drinks coffee with no milk or sugar. He’s so cool. I want to be like him when I grow up. Well, I am already a bit grown up, but when I grow up more. He and Mr Spock were talking about something, I didn’t really understand it: Mr Spock said something about lots of people needing something, so one of the things wasn’t important. When I asked him about it he said it was a philosophical thing, and asked me what I had understood about it. The Skip seemed really interested in that too; what I had heard them talking about and what I understood about it. I had to tell them it had all got a bit clever for me. Gosh, I feel so silly. I should have made something up to impress Mr Spock. I don’t know if you can impress Mr Spock.

I’ll have a good long think about it, and tell him tomorrow.

Night night.


	6. Sunday

Arthur’s Log

Star Date: Sunday

Hi mum. Sorry it’s been so long. Well, actually I’m not sure how long it’s been, because in space, no-one has a clock.

Today was really fun. I got to help out the skip; he was playing hide and seek with some lady who I’ve not met before, but she seemed really interested in finding him. I think I might have messed it up though, because when she asked where he was, I said that he was “definitely not under the table”. Then she found him. He was quite cross, I think because he didn’t want to lose. He must be quite good at it, because the lady I saw yesterday never found him.

I think you’ve told me about that before: it’s better to say nothing than say the exact opposite, because people get really suspicious when you do.  
I’m trying to remember everything you taught me before I left, but sometimes I just get so muddled. It’s a bit like when we tried to play those word games in the car, and I said “I spy with my little eye, something beginning with: tree.”.

I ran in to Mr Spock today, when I was doing teas and coffees, and I told him what I’d thought of about the things he asked yesterday. It was a bit confusing at first, but I think I got it in the end. It’s a bit like biscuits. Most people want to have digestives, and some people want bourbons, but if only one person wants to have custard crèmes, then it’s too much money to spend on one person’s biscuits, so he should just learn to like one of the other two. Mr Spock said I “managed to reduce a philosophical truth to a mere trifle.” But that’s alright. I love trifle.

Oh, I almost forgot! I went to talk to Mark today, and he said some really interesting stuff. I can’t remember all of it, but there was something about an unused cargo bay, and some planet that the ship had visited a while ago. Something with a number seven in it. Maybe that’s where he wants his party! I’ll go and have a look tomorrow.

Night night mum.

…  
…  
…  
[alerts triggered]  
...  
...  
...  
[activate protocol alpha-seven-echo]  
…  
…  
…  
[systems erase]  
…


	7. Monday

Arthur’s Log

Star Date: Monday

Mood: Brilliant

 

Hi mum! Gosh, it’s going to be difficult to say everything in the right order because I’m just so excited!

Right. I’m going on a mission! I’ve got one of those really cool red shirts and everything! It fits great, and I look so grown-up. And I’m going to get one of the walkie-talkie badges! Ooops, I have to go back a bit and explain things. Sorry.

So this morning, or night, or some other time; I don’t really understand how it goes here. Anyway. This morning I was doing the teas and coffees, and skip came to talk to me. He asked me to come and have a chat with him and Mister Spock. We went to this really big room with a big grey table and lots of grey chairs and the biggest space window I’ve ever seen! There was so much space outside; it was amazing! I didn’t even know there was that much space in space!

Then Mr Spock told me I had to listen carefully. I asked him if this was about me accidentally telling Mark about his mission, because I was really sorry, and I wanted to make it up to him by throwing a party, and that he had told me about a cargo bay that was empty. The skip started asking me a lot of questions about the cargo bay, but I had already forgotten a lot of what Mark told me, so I just had to say sorry. I got a bit worried then that they were going to tell me off, but instead the skip asked me if I wanted to go on a top-secret mission!

Top Secret! Oh mum, I know I’m going to make you so proud! And we thought I wasn’t even going to get in to Star Fleet when I got 4% on those tests, but we kept going and now I’m really doing it!

I’m not supposed to tell anyone I’m going, and there’s only going to be three of us on the little ship: me, Lieutenant Brent, and Lieutenant Lemli. I’ve not met them before, but I’m sure they’re really nice.

I’m so excited, I don’t know how I’m going to get to sleep. I wish I could tell Mark, I bet he’d know what to do.

Night night Mum!

SO EXICTED.

Volcanoes are BRILLIANT!


	8. Mission Log

[Arthur Shappey]

[Mission Log]

 

[timestamp 0400.23]

Hi mum! Apparently we’re doing the pre-flight checks, and my job is to sit inside and count all of the buttons. I keep messing up, though, because I get to the number, and then I get distracted, and I have to start again. I’ll try harder next time, right after I finish recording this bit. I think the other guys are really relying on me now, because every time I use the walkie-talkie they tell me not to stop counting.

I don’t want to let them down!

 

[timestamp 0401.56]

Ok, next time I’m going to do it. But I had to stop to tell you something: there’s a button that says "Polarise"! I guess that’s the one for the polar bears. Anyway, back to work. 

 

[timestamp 0402.06]

Why are there no toblerones in space? I’ve just thought of it now, and it doesn’t make any sense, because space is like the biggest airport there is. Lieutenant Brent says I need to concentrate because we’ll be going soon.

 

[timestamp 0423.50]

Space: brilliant.

This is the Voyage of Arthur.

His top-secret mission: to go to a volcano.

To find out why it is volcanoey. 

To scan the volcano like it has never been scanned before…

 

[timestamp 0500.10]

There is so much space out here, you wouldn’t believe it. I don’t even know how you’d fit all the space in space! Mr Spock would probably know.

I wonder why space is so dark. I mean, apparently all of the stars are little suns; but then wouldn’t it be a bit brighter? Maybe they’re like those energy-saving lightbulbs that aren’t that bright when you switch them on, but then later they’re alright.

I wonder what space would look like when they all switched on.

 

[timestamp 0522.34]

Lieutenant Brent says I have to wait about 20 minutes until I make another recording. Lieutenant Lemli doesn’t say much at all. He didn’t even guess when I was playing I spy. Lieutenant Brent’s really good at it though. He says we should play a new game where we all have to be quiet for as long as possible, but I’m not very good at it.

I think Lieutenant Lemli’s going to win.

 

[timestamp 0543.00]

We’re nearly there now. It’s like there’s this big ball on the screen, and it just gets more massive, and more things on it! I thought we were close before, but we weren’t this close! I was looking at one of the little dots, and I thought it might be a person, but it turns out that it’s one of the volcanoes!

Brilliant!

 

[timestamp 0550.22]

We’ve just landed, like right now. I wish you could see it, mum. Everything’s so tall and orange. It’s like if I fell asleep in a bag of doritos and woke up tiny.

I’ve got my special suit, and scanny-thing. Apparently you just have to press the big triangle button in the middle. That’s a good thing, because you know how difficult it is for me to work the telly remote. Why would they put all those buttons on if you didn’t need to use them?

Anyway, wish me luck! Well, I guess you won’t get this before I go, but anyway…if you could wish me luck backwards, that would be really great!


	9. Mission Report

Arthur Shappey

Mission Report

 

[Stardate 23562.5 – Post-Mission Report. Scientific Mission P3.45.x. Classification: Top Secret, Clearance Level 5]

[In attendance: Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey; Lieutenant Brent; Lieutenant Commander Spock] 

[Lieutenant Commander, First Officer Spock]: Now, Mister Shappey, we are not here to assign blame, merely to understand the circumstances of Lieutenant Lemli’s unfortunate accident.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Oh, that’s alright then! Gosh, I thought it might have been my fault, but if you say so, Mister Spock!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Now, that is not what I said, Mister Shappey…

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: I brought the scanny-thingy with me.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: That was very thoughtful of you, but if we could get back to the matter at hand…

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Oh, hang on, it’s in the bag somewhere. Oops! No, that’s not it!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: MISTER SHAPPEY, if we could return to the matter at hand.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Right, sorry Skip. Sorry, I mean Lieutenant Skip. Sorry. Lieutenant Skip Spock.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: That is quite alright. If we could start as soon as you left the shuttle.

[Lieutenant Brent]: Lieutenant Lemli and Crewman Shappey disembarked at 0550.50, then again at 0555.27.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Again?

[Lieutenant Brent]: That is correct, sir. Arthur… Crewman Shappey forgot his triquarter. Sir.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: I know! I’m always doing stuff like that! This one time, I left a sandwich…

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Mister Shappey, do you think that this anecdote might be better placed at another time? Lieutenant Brent, please continue.

[Lieutenant Brent]: At 0555.27 they disembarked for the second time, and travelled East towards Alpha Magnum’s summit. We lost radio contact at 0643.09.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: And what was the last transmission you received?

[Lieutenant Brent]: Crewman Shappey said _‘I spy with my little eye, something beginning with V’_.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: It was a volcano!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Really…

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: I know! Lieutenant Lemli didn’t even guess it!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Mister Shappey, perhaps you should wait until Lieutenant Brent has finished his account.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Right Lieutenant Skip.

[Lieutenant Brent]: The next time I saw them was aboard the ship. After Crewman Shappey had accidentally activated his emergency teleporter.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Uh, Lieutenant Skip…

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: In a moment, Mister Shappey.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: But, it’s really quite important…

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: In a moment, Mister Shappey. And where was Lieutenant Lemli?

[Lieutenant Brent]: Lieutenant Lemli was…do you smell burning?

[Fire alarms activate, interview room 7.3. Evidence of local Phaser discharge. Room Evacuated]

[…]

[Interview resumed. Interview room 18.2]

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Well, I did try to tell you, Lieutenant Skip. How do those phaser-things work anyway?

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: I do not think that is relevant at this time. Mister Shappey…

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Is it like just a really hot laser? But then where does the _‘ph’_ come from? Does it mean _really ‘ph’ing…_?

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Mister Shappey, if you could just give me your account of events.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Ok. Well, I said _‘I spy with my little eye…’_.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Yes, after that part.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Lieutenant Lemli didn’t get it. Then I asked Lieutenant Brent, but he wasn’t answering, so I asked Lieutenant Brent if we could swap walkie-talkies so I could try his. Then we walked more up the Volcano, and then we walked more up the volcano, and then we walked more up the volcano… Gosh, it was quite big, but it was really brilliant! Have you ever been to a volcano, Lieutenant Skip Spock? It’s just like climbing up a hairdryer, you know, because it’s hot under your feet as well as out the end! I was reading about volcanoes before I went, and it said they were made of really hot rock that lives under the ground, but then, if it all spills out, how come it isn’t empty inside? I thought I’d ask you, Mister Spock!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Hmm.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Anyway. So we got to the top of the volcano, and I got out the scanny thingy, and Lieutenant Lemli said I had to get even closer to get a really good scan, so he was helping me.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Helping you get closer to the inside of the volcano…?

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Yeah, I know, he’s such a nice guy. Or, he was such a nice guy. You know. Until I pressed the wrong button and accidentally teleported back to the ship…

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: And Lieutenant Lemli fell into the volcano. Mister Shappey, did you notice anything unusual about your mission?

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Gosh, no. Should I? I’m ALWAYS missing that sort of thing! You know there are those puzzles with the ‘spot the difference’ things, and I never get all of them. But I bet you would! I bet you’re brilliant at them, Mister Spock! Sorry, Lieutenant Skip Mister Spock.

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: That will be all, Crewman Shappey.

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Oh, alright. Sorry about setting your office on fire, Lieutenant Skip. Bye!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: Lieutenant Commander, First Officer Spock’s assessment: It is still not clear whether Crewman Shappey’s actions can be attributed to an underlying understanding of the mechanics at work, or if his actions are a combination of idiocy and coincidence. In either case I recommend further assessment before another mission posting…was there something else Mister Shappey?

[Crewman Third Class, Arthur Shappey]: Em, sorry, I’m just not sure which part of the ship I’m on. Don’t worry, I’ll work it out! Bye again!

[Lt Com, 1st Officer Spock]: On second assessment, idiocy seems more likely.


End file.
